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Betrayal

**Trigger warning: this post talks about parental abuse and pregnancy loss** I think the worst betrayal is from my mother. She allowed him to take that baby, even assisted him. How can you be a mother and do that to another mother? How could any human being do that, take someone's child away? She was … Continue reading Betrayal

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Voices and Chaos

It's a particularly bad time of year for me. This is what it's like in my mind: Lost ones, the others, quiet nowSometimes they scream and cryOr they yell at each other stop cryingIt whimpers in the darknessBaby, pathetic wretch, weakPull yourself togetherStop feeling sorry for yourselfAre you a man or a mouse?I'm neitherDo you … Continue reading Voices and Chaos

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We’re Not Broken

It's like banging my head against a wall and expecting it not to hurt. It's like walking on the highway and hoping I don't get hit. I don't deserve this shit. People who grow up being abused seem to end up on similar paths as adults. They either look for someone to abuse them, they … Continue reading We’re Not Broken

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I don’t belong here.

I've been writing a lot of poems lately. Some are hopeful, and some are very much the opposite. I've been feeling like I don't belong in this world, and so I guess I'm going to post one of the hopeless poems. I struggle with relating to people even though I see all their pain and … Continue reading I don’t belong here.

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Grief and DID: Staying in my Window of Tolerance

I lost a really close friend on March 17, 2020. I've lost a lot of friends along the way, and their deaths will always hurt a lot. Most died from suicide and drug use. M died at age 50 from a terminal illness. She survived Hodgkin's Lymphoma when she was 17, but the radiation she … Continue reading Grief and DID: Staying in my Window of Tolerance

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Severed Ties: The Grief of Losing My Abusive Parents on the Path to Healing

The reason DID exists is so that someone can continue to live a relatively normal life in extremely difficult circumstances. I was depressed and anxious all my life, but I had parts that did well in school, made friends and dated, and played sports. For most of my childhood, until my depression worsened as a … Continue reading Severed Ties: The Grief of Losing My Abusive Parents on the Path to Healing