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All or Nothing Thinking and Trauma

Most of us have fallen into the trap of all or nothing thinking at some point in our lives. Studies show it's really common in people with depression and anxiety. I know I've experienced it many times, and I've tried to be more aware of it so it doesn't hurt me so much. I think … Continue reading All or Nothing Thinking and Trauma

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Toxic Positivity and Unsolicited Advice can be Harmful to Trauma Survivors

We've all seen them, those positive memes and quotes that pepper our newsfeeds offering hopeful messages and inspiration. But are they really helpful? For most people, they aren't. This is especially true for trauma survivors. People can mean well when they post these positive affirmations, but toxic positivity can really negatively affect people with mental … Continue reading Toxic Positivity and Unsolicited Advice can be Harmful to Trauma Survivors

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What Therapists Need to Know About DID: Working With Child Parts of the Patient

It's difficult for me to listen to my kids. (My inner children, not my daughter). Most of the younger parts are in a great deal of pain. There are a few that want to play, laugh and connect with others, but most of them are suffering. Some of them cry, and it often sounds horrible. … Continue reading What Therapists Need to Know About DID: Working With Child Parts of the Patient

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Betrayal

**Trigger warning: this post talks about parental abuse and pregnancy loss** I think the worst betrayal is from my mother. She allowed him to take that baby, even assisted him. How can you be a mother and do that to another mother? How could any human being do that, take someone's child away? She was … Continue reading Betrayal

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Ghosts

Today I feel the pain of lost ones,Life and death, bloody remembranceBelly full and body screamingPausing my sleep with agony It's like she's still a part of me,Phantom firefly, feeling flutters,A faint dance before there was stillnessAnd red streams flowing endlessly A voice replays the words on loop,There's too much blood, a flood of life,Colour … Continue reading Ghosts

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Trauma and Addiction: A Futile Attempt to Escape the Pain

It's been six months since I drank alcohol. I never really thought I had a problem with it, until it almost killed me. My alcohol abuse wasn't as obvious as some people's. In clinical terms, I never got to the dependency stage. I wasn't the obvious alcoholic who is always drinking. I didn't need medication … Continue reading Trauma and Addiction: A Futile Attempt to Escape the Pain

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Putting the Pieces Together

I think some people find multiple personalities (DID) fascinating. It's really not. It's just a daily hell to be honest. My memory is full of holes, and my mind is in pieces. These pieces think and live autonomously, and they make it difficult to function. Sometimes it's simultaneously confusing and funny as hell. The other … Continue reading Putting the Pieces Together

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I think about her all the time, my little firefly

**Trigger warning: post talks about pregnancy loss** This is by far the most difficult story for me to tell. This memory, this loss, affected me more than the rape and torture throughout my childhood. It's caused us to almost kill ourselves in the past. I didn't know why my suicide attempts happened in June. It's … Continue reading I think about her all the time, my little firefly

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Voices and Chaos

It's a particularly bad time of year for me. This is what it's like in my mind: Lost ones, the others, quiet nowSometimes they scream and cryOr they yell at each other stop cryingIt whimpers in the darknessBaby, pathetic wretch, weakPull yourself togetherStop feeling sorry for yourselfAre you a man or a mouse?I'm neitherDo you … Continue reading Voices and Chaos

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Medical appointments and hospitals are difficult for people with DID and PTSD

I'm sitting in the ER again today. I guess I'm grateful it's not for mental health reasons, but I've had serious physical health issues lately. Obviously this makes my usual anxiety much worse. I've always been afraid of the doctor's, ever since I was a kid. It was weird and unfair that my little sister … Continue reading Medical appointments and hospitals are difficult for people with DID and PTSD

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We’re Not Broken

It's like banging my head against a wall and expecting it not to hurt. It's like walking on the highway and hoping I don't get hit. I don't deserve this shit. People who grow up being abused seem to end up on similar paths as adults. They either look for someone to abuse them, they … Continue reading We’re Not Broken

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I don’t belong here.

I've been writing a lot of poems lately. Some are hopeful, and some are very much the opposite. I've been feeling like I don't belong in this world, and so I guess I'm going to post one of the hopeless poems. I struggle with relating to people even though I see all their pain and … Continue reading I don’t belong here.

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Grief and DID: Staying in my Window of Tolerance

I lost a really close friend on March 17, 2020. I've lost a lot of friends along the way, and their deaths will always hurt a lot. Most died from suicide and drug use. M died at age 50 from a terminal illness. She survived Hodgkin's Lymphoma when she was 17, but the radiation she … Continue reading Grief and DID: Staying in my Window of Tolerance

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Severed Ties: The Grief of Losing My Abusive Parents on the Path to Healing

The reason DID exists is so that someone can continue to live a relatively normal life in extremely difficult circumstances. I was depressed and anxious all my life, but I had parts that did well in school, made friends and dated, and played sports. For most of my childhood, until my depression worsened as a … Continue reading Severed Ties: The Grief of Losing My Abusive Parents on the Path to Healing

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A Fire-Eater, Hypnosis, and a Gun

I don't even know how to start this post. I've been afraid for a week to write it down, especially in a blog for anyone to read. Although to be honest, I'm realizing that I've been afraid to tell this story since I was a little girl. I'll probably post it privately first, so if … Continue reading A Fire-Eater, Hypnosis, and a Gun

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Sitting With the Pain

This is a concept I've heard many times in therapy, but I only partially understood it. The therapist I had in my 20s (the one who lost her license for unethical boundary violations), tried to help me understand this. But she didn't explain it in a way that clicked for me. It was only recently … Continue reading Sitting With the Pain

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Trauma and Boundaries

My therapist sometimes jokes that I'm like a cat because I hate when people show me attention. I'm shy, but there is more to it than that. When I was a kid, my father and his friends raped me and passed me around to other disgusting men. I learned that I was an object and … Continue reading Trauma and Boundaries