Hello There 🙂

I now own a Nissan GTR:

Well, sort of…

In 66 months, after paying $2,500 every one of those months I will own it.

If you asked me, “Ryan, is it worth it?”

I would respond-

“Without a doubt,
100%,
Absolutely.
Every day is a dream come true.
The Nissan GTR is God’s perfect car.”

Shit.

I had a big section typed out about the GTR which got deleted thanks to “ctrl-z”, and “ctrl-y” not functioning as it should.

Fuck.

Oh well, its alright.
Wasn’t meant to be.
I will save that for another post.
The GTR truly deserves a post of its own…

Back to the topic at hand, the title of this post:

Overdoing it while Over-medicated.

The following is a story about a fictional character named Brian.

Brian has dealt with Mental Illness for a large portion of his “young-side-of-middle-aged” adult life.

Some of the words used to describe and diagnose Brian’s problems have included:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• OCD
• BiPolar
• Chronic Pain
• Insomnia

He has been treated with many different medications.

Thus you might say he has somewhat vast experience with prescription drugs.

Vast in the relative sense –

If you’ve only ever taken Tylenol, yes he has “Vast” experience with drugs.

Suffice it to say, he has some experience with some drugs.

All legal of course.
All prescribed by a licensed Doctor.
The preceding two lines are mostly true.

As a result of his treatment for various conditions,

He has become acutely aware of how different Pharmaceuticals affect him.

He is currently prescribed a few medications

(Listed in his perceived importance overall in his well-being):

• Wellbutrin – Buproprion HCL. 150 mg of the extended version every day.
• Testosterone – a Weekly Injection of 200 mg. His literal “pain in the ass” every week.
• Fluoxetine – some dosage he can’t remember but it is the most recent thing he has been prescribed and it seems to help him a decent amount.
• Adderall 20 mg twice per day. He usually doesn’t take it every day, but rather “once in a while” when he needs to focus and have energy.

Today he set up an appointment to renew his Medical Cannabis Card

$175 for a formality.

Dr: “So why do you want to renew your card?”
Brian: “Because it helps with chronic pain.”
Dr: “Ok here ya go”
Ryan: “Thanks bye.”
Dr: “Bye.”

-Brian’s Medical Cannabis Appointment

Smooth, quick, professional.

Necessary?

Meh He doesn’t know.
Some places around 100 miles away from Brian have legal Recreational Cannabis and are much more convenient.

Weed, excuse me, “Cannabis” helps Brian with some things:
It helps with chronic pain.
With boredom,
With loneliness…

Sometimes he eats Mushrooms.

Sometimes those Mushrooms don’t contain Psilocybin.
Sometimes they do,
and the Universe experiences itself.

Recently he tried MDMA

aka “Molly”

and
he felt as if his Nervous System
was a precisely tuned Antenna
with perfect reception for all the Love, Light, Life, and Gratitude
in the Universe.

Anyways…

On a night such as tonight
Brian may have decided that he was really bored
and just kinda feeling “meh”
so he may have wanted to spice things up a bit,
and go to a club
and take Adderall
and drink alcohol

And the drinks may have been mixed by a beautiful blonde

who has been doing this for 5 years.

They may have had a conversation similar to this:

…
“You’ve worked at this club for 5 years?
“No, just bar-tended for 5 years.”
“Oh sweet…
So what is the most alcoholic thing I can get for the cheapest?”
“You could do a shot and a cocktail?”
“Yeah that sounds good.”

Brian’s Hypothetical Conversation with Bartender

And for a while he might really enjoy the music.

The Beat
The Bass
The Rhythm…

For a while He would feel completely alive.

banging his head
in the zone
For he loves music.
He loves to dance.

And eventually he might find someone willing to share some weed

and take a hit off a joint
and take a couple more
and slowly feel the THC take effect

And then he might go back into the club
and scope out a place to dance.

As you see, he came to the club by himself.
He’s trying to chill and dance. And maybe dance with some pretty girls…
There are several around.

And then he may accidentally bump into someone

And suddenly start to feel slightly anxious…

followed quickly by:

Overwhelmed

Realizing:

• “I have drank a lot of Alcohol.”
• “I’m really feeling this Adderall“
• “Wow I took some big hits of that weed“

All at once.

And life might become a little bit scary
and
continue getting scarier…

And he might start to wonder

• “Why did I come here?”
• “Why did I feel the need to take Adderall at 8 pm?”
• “Didn’t I feel okay before I drank all this Alcohol?”

And then he might start to feel even more social anxiety

Like
Maybe he is just in the way
and
maybe all these people hate him

He can’t even get someone to come with him to the club.

He came by himself…
and he might start feeling self-conscious about that… despite having a great time up until then.

and his mind might rapidly invent unfortunate scenarios

like,
maybe some dudes are going to gang up and kick his ass
or like,
maybe he will continue to get more fucked up…
and spiral out of control…
and Security will have to throw him out…
and the polarity of the universe will reverse…
and *Everything* would stop existing…
just because of him.

So he may call one of his friends to help him chill out

and his friend would help him realize

“I shouldn’t rely on substances to have a good life.”

And then he may sit and think,
and be a little afraid
that maybe…

maybe He can’t handle “Sober” life…

Because sometimes

He feels so lonely.

And sometimes it feels like “most of the time”.

He has good friends, and family…
but he sort of has a hard time making new friends.

He is Single.
He would love to be in a relationship.

but like,

none have really worked out that well for him
And he doesn’t have a lot of confidence in having a stable relationship.
He has a hard enough time having a stable relationship with himself.

So he tries to enjoy life alone.

And he has gotten a lot better at it.
Most of the time he is pretty good at it.

But,

He doesn’t want to be alone.

and he seems to find someone he really likes after one date
and gets his hopes up
and imagines the search is over
and being so grateful
to have found his best friend
to talk to
to love
to kiss
to hold
to share all the ups and downs of life…
and live happily ever after.

but He keeps getting ghosted

and He’s not really sure why.

So sometimes he just sighs…

a long,

lonely

sigh.

But then he realizes

it doesn’t do him any good to feel sorry for himself.

And when he looks within,
(and sobers up a bit)
he realizes everything is alright.

It was just one night.

He is home safe.
He is sobering up.
He may feel like calling in sick to work tomorrow.
His sleep schedule has been a little fucked…

But he knows

The Sun will come out Tomorrow.

So, He will go to sleep.
And Tomorrow…
he will try again.