DISCLAIMER: this is a personal blog which deals with sensitive issues and discusses mental illness, thoughts of suicide, etc. This is not medical advice.
If you are experiencing a crisis, call the Suicide and Crisis hotline at 988.
My Experience with Mental Illness
Greetings my brothers and sisters in this great human family, thank you for reading my blog. My name is Ryan. I sincerely hope these words help you find peace.
I have decided to share my experience struggling with the darkness of Mental Illness and how I overcame and found peace within.
Despite the darkness feeling overwhelming at times, I can now sincerely say I feel Joy, Peace, Love, and Gratitude.
I hope you will feel the same.
Before I continue I would like to encourage you to seek help from your Doctor and to speak to a Therapist. My Doctors have been instrumental in helping me.
Overwhelming Negativity
For nearly a decade I felt overwhelmed with negativity. Depression, Anxiety, Sadness, Pessimism, and Suicidal Ideation were my constant companions. I was in a dark hole and I didn’t see any way of getting out.
There were days I couldn’t get out of bed. Days that taking a shower felt like a major success. It felt like a thick poisonous cloud shaped my thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Everything seemed to bring me further down, to ever darker and scarier places.
I felt like a prisoner in my own body. I felt alone. I felt overwhelmed.
I felt life was pointless, that I would soon be forgotten and all my struggles were simply delaying the inevitable.
My Efforts to Overcome
I tried many, many things to get myself feeling better.
I worked with Doctors, tried Pharmaceutical therapies – Antidepressants, Anxiolytics, Mood Stabilizers, ADD medications, BiPolar medications, etc. Some were helpful, others made things much worse.
Thanks to my Doctors, I have found medications which work for me. It was a very long, very frustrating road with a lot of trial and error, but finally I feel stable and happy.
I’ve worked with Therapists, Life Coaches, Spiritual Guides, and so on. It is very useful to have someone to talk to. I am thankful for all of them and their efforts.
Throughout my struggles I had family and friends who were there and tried their best to help.
The Sun will Come out Tomorrow
Ultimately I had to help myself. I didn’t give in. I didn’t give up.
I am still here, and right now I feel so grateful to be alive.
I’m proud of the person I was. I’m thankful he didn’t give in to the thoughts of ending things. The long night is over, and the Sun shines bright.
My Hope in Sharing My Experience
I hope what I went through can help others on their journey.
I know how difficult life can be, I know the feeling of not wanting to continue. I have been in the grips of darkness, wishing death would swiftly come. Escaping reality through alcohol, drugs, video games, sleep, etc.
I filled many journals with my thoughts. It was nice to get all my thoughts out on a paper instead of keeping them churning inside my mind. I plan on sharing many of these entries.
But for this first post, I will share this image of a text conversation from February with a Spirit Guide/Energy Healer/good friend named Shelby Kushma. I share this because I didn’t think I would ever feel this way:
Meditation – Remember to Breathe
A very helpful practice for me has been Meditation.
I used to be stressed about my past and worried about my future. Thanks to meditation I am able to live in the present moment and feel the Joy of Consciousness.
A Simple, Powerful Meditation Technique
Disclaimer: this is a supplemental technique to be used in addition to receiving care from a qualified Mental Health Professional.
Here is a very simple but very powerful meditation technique. This can be done in as little as one minute.
Find a comfortable spot to sit, close your eyes, and:
- Breathe all the way in through your Nose, all the way out through your Mouth.
- Imagine inhaling Light, Life, Love, and Gratitude.
Imagine exhaling any Negativity or Stress. - Repeat 3 times.
- Breathe normally.
Focus on your Breath going in and out. - When thoughts inevitably come up, acknowledge them and return to the breath. Continue this meditation as long as you like.
Feel the Peace of being present, living in this moment.
Never Give Up
If you or someone you know is struggling, never give up! Keep striving to find the light, and you will.
I encourage you to seek Professional help, reach out to trusted family and friends, and continue doing the best you can.
Thank you for reading. I love you. You can feel okay again. I believe in you.
To conclude I will share a quote from the League of Legends character Braum: “The darker the night, the brighter the stars.”
Wishing you Love, Joy, Peace, and Light,
Ryan
Other Resources:
Psychology Today – Find a Therapist
National Mental Health Associations
National Alliance on Mental Illness
Guided Meditations on YouTube
Finding the Light in the Darkness 
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