Today I feel the pain of lost ones,
Life and death, bloody remembrance
Belly full and body screaming
Pausing my sleep with agony

It’s like she’s still a part of me,
Phantom firefly, feeling flutters,
A faint dance before there was stillness
And red streams flowing endlessly

A voice replays the words on loop,
There’s too much blood, a flood of life,
Colour stained visions in my brain,
Can’t bleach it out, can’t shut it down

Movement within means she’s alive
Ghosts from the time I was a child
Held down to grieve beneath the trees
Empty and watching her in the sky,

And again when nature needed to,
Five years ago, the words repeating,
Staring at loss and that hated colour,
Trying to relive it all together

My body knows, muscle memory,
Carrying life, every cell reminds me,
Determination then desperation,
Heavy darkness crushing inward

We’re wild with panic and nausea
4 AM brings messengers with bad news
But we survive somehow
We keep surviving, we’re strong enough

Close our eyes, pain means we’re alive
Sending healing light below
Tell them so they know, it’s not that day
No longer those days,

Although we still sit with pain,
To heal we must feel the life inside
As well as the night she died
Muscles aching and twisting

Shooting down my legs and up my back
It’ll be ok, it’s not that day
We know but we feel it just the same
There’ll be times of peace, but not today


This is sort of a poem, but it’s not quite how I want it to sound. It conveys what I need to say right now, so that is enough for me. Today was a, “Hey therapist, I know you’re busy on Thursdays with meetings and trainings, but can you ask my back up therapist to call me?” kind of day. I’m lucky I have these people in my life. My secondary therapist is there when I need her from time to time, and she’s really good too. I have a great team, and I appreciate them. I woke up in the middle of the night to extreme pain that had no physical cause. People with DID get a lot of psychosomatic pain. It’s almost crazy how realistic it is… but I suppose the brain creates pain when it receives messages from nerves. Pain is usually a signal that something is wrong, but today my brain played out an old memory from decades ago. This then triggered a newer memory from five years ago. It was a lot all at once, but with support I’m getting through, even when I feel like I have no more energy. I see the light in my daughter’s eyes, and then the shadows aren’t so overwhelming. The fact that she’s here with me shows me that life isn’t just endless darkness, in time my child of light came back to me.

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