I don’t belong here.

I’ve been writing a lot of poems lately. Some are hopeful, and some are very much the opposite. I’ve been feeling like I don’t belong in this world, and so I guess I’m going to post one of the hopeless poems. I struggle with relating to people even though I see all their pain and most people like talking to me. In fact, strangers will randomly tell me their life stories. I try to listen and show compassion always. But I don’t get the same thing in return. They don’t realize my mind works differently. Even if someone knows I have DID, they don’t seem to realize I have many answers to a question they ask. There are so many voices in my head, and yet we always feel so alone. I try to make friends with people, but as soon as they realize that I’m not interested in dating, they don’t want to talk to me anymore. It happened again this week. I was talking to a woman about social justice, but then she got mad at me for not responding to a selfie she posted. If I don’t want to date someone, I am not important to them. It’s an awful feeling. The isolation and loneliness makes me feel hopeless. Like sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and crying kind of hopeless. Like writing this with tears in my eyes kind of hopeless. Last weekend my cousins ignored my birthday for the first time because my mom has been trashing me to my family. If I stand up for myself and set boundaries, I’m seen as ungrateful and disloyal to my parents. Speaking the truth gets me shunned. They’re one of the few reasons I’m still on Instagram. I’m thinking of unplugging from social media for a while. My family doesn’t care, and neither do most of the women I talk to unless I show romantic interest in them. I’m 39, and I’m tired of dishonesty, blame, and mind games. Why is my friendship not important to anyone unless I sleep with them? Lately I’ve been plagued by flashbacks, but I don’t need sympathy or saving. I just need connections with people. I’m tired of trying. I guess I just need to unplug and embrace the loneliness. I should be used to it by now, but I’m not. I will never give up for my kid’s sake, but I think I’ve given up on the rest of the world.

Isolation

Chaotic words swirling,
Lately nothing calms them,
Trapped in the eye of storms,
A monster’s dream it seems,
Pulled apart on the floor,
Our core fractured and bleeding,
Internal screaming, face down,
No sounds, and now
Painting the art of blood
On cement before death,
Loneliness and emptiness,
The relentless night brings evil,
Inhale but I can’t breathe
Pulled under by the tide

And it’s quiet outside, fear rests
In my chest and my mind
Heightened by silence,
Bound and gagged, frightened,
Eyes roll back towards the sky,
I’m alive but not surviving,
Barely breathing, lost friends,
Lost dreams, falling time and
Earthquakes inside, they’re calling,
Sometimes crying, maybe always,
Peace is hopeless, we’re restless,
Distant voices want to help us
But memories lead us to the sea,
some need sleep to be endless

It’s gonna get better, they say,
All those cliches, but they rake my eyes
To see no more, they shake,
Frozen in lines, ropes, metal, fire
Just shoot me already
Facing death with defiance, and
Wishing we’d died most nights
Ungrateful wretch, dishonored
Alone now in this box with stairs,
Alone in the dark they stare,
No words, strangled sound
Trying to reach the ground,
Drowning and gasping for air,
Fighting forever, but the fight isn’t fair

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s